3 Things To Consider About Your Friendships

I am an introvert of sorts.  Throughout my life, I have had very few friends, and it has always been a tender subject for me.  But even the most introverted of people would never say that they don't want friends; everyone wants, and arguably needs, at least one friend, and many introverts do have a lot of friends.  Most people in general, I would say, have many friends.  For years I was exceedingly hard on myself because I could never seem to make and maintain meaningful friendships.  It wasn't until recently that I had an epiphany and realized why.  It's because I am looking for meaningful friendships.  Any friendship won't do, and once I realized that's why I have so few friends, I became less hard on myself.

The purpose of this blog: to challenge you about your ideas on the whos, whats, and whys of friendship.
Audience for this blog: anyone who has or wants a friend.

So, without further adieu, here are my pointers on the subject of meaningful friendships:

1. Don't Ask How Many: Ask How Much!

It's cliché but true.  Would you rather have 100 friends who are never there for you, or a handful that will have your back in a way that transcends time and space?

I have friends that I don't talk to every day, or even every year, but no matter what I've been doing and what we've been
through as individuals as time passed, we can still rely on each other when we're between a rock and a hard place.  Or, even just to shoot the sheep (don't actually shoot sheep together.  That would be cruel...)  To me, this is a meaningful friendship.  At this time in my life, I would say I have nearly no friends in my immediate vicinity, and it took me until recently to realize that that's okay.  Thanks to technology and the internet, I can still keep in touch with my meaningful friends, but I don't have anyone to rely on around me right now. The reason I don't have any friends right now is because the soil is not fertile enough to let me grow as a person, which brings me to my second pointer...

2.  Choose Wisely.

I don't know how else to say it!  It's that simple!  Sometimes the soil isn't fertile because the quality of the soil is bad-- it means you're not supposed to plant seeds there, and that's okay!  You want to put your seeds where they will grow and flourish, not wither and die!  You want to always be a better version of you, and if you're around someone who talks down to others, gossips, and says hurtful things, either to hurt you or others if they were in the room, then you're not going to become a better version of yourself with that kind of influence.  These are the kinds of people that you keep at a distance-- it's not to say you can't be friendly towards them, but that's different than being their friend.  Kindness is always in fashion, but hurting others never is.   And let's face it-- if you have a friend that talks ill about others to you,  chances are they are doing the same to you when you're not around.

3.  Define "Friend."

No, really.  Please, define "friend!"  I'm begging you!  My advice to you, in this very moment, is to step back and clear your mind of all the ideas that you have about the semantics of the word friend as you would find it in the Oxford or Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Dissect what you think a friend actually is.  What qualities should a friend possess?  Is it casual?  Is it just someone to keep you company when you feel lonely?  Is it someone to share the "deep things" with?  Is it someone you want to take care of?  Is it someone you love?  And then, if so, what does it mean to love someone?  I know, I know: this is so deep.  Maybe even border-line cheeseball, but I'm not sorry for it.  I think it's a question that not many people ask themselves, but an important one nonetheless.  We kind of just exist in the same space with one another, and sometimes connections (friendships?) occur, and we get on with it, go with the flow without ever considering the purpose and significance of your relationship with others in the world.   We kind of just float through life without asking big questions.  So, in this moment, maybe you think you have a lot of friends, but "friends" is a very loose term, which in reality should be defined differently from person to person.  If you want to define "friends" as a casual term for people you are acquainted with, might spend time with, and may or may not trust, that is your prerogative and it's absolutely fine to have lots of friends.  If you define a "friend" as someone you trust, confide in, love, share life with without reserve, if that's your definition of a friendship, then good for you, too!  I hope you have many of those friendships!  But I urge you to consider, to think deeply about, what your definition of a friend is, and who and who doesn't fit in that category so you can start weeding out, ever so kindly, those people who don't make the cut.  It will also give you a chance to reflect on the qualities of friendship that are important to you and those which aren't.

Whether you have a few or a lot, having friends is one of those joys in life that can't be replicated.  Laughing so hard that you cry, sharing your most joyful and most sorrowful life moments, letting your heart out to each other, and whatever else it is that a friend is to you! The most amazing friendships I have are not the ones in which we speak every day necessarily, but the ones that would speak to me with all joy and pleasure and excitement without ever questioning why we haven't spoken in so long.  They are the friendships in which I have shared intimate moments with, the tears, the pain, the life chats: these are meaningful friendships to me, and to me, those are the only friendships.  My definition of a friend is someone I can be myself around, trust, enjoy, and feel free to share my life with, without fear of them judging me or thinking less of me, or even gossiping about me. My way is not the best way; I don't pretend like it is.  I only want you to question your friendships with all good intention and to question the purpose, quality, and extent of your friendships.